I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
