he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you traded sex for a burrito?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize