I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize