i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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