I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
