Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Randomize
