I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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