Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
