piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize