You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
