Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
