I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
