She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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