Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
