everyone is single if you try hard enough
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
