saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
