yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
