I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
