WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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