I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
