i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
