I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i barfeds in our rink
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
