I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
