I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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