I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm really busy with my period
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