miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
