woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
