Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
