I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
