I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize