Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
