Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
