The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
