filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
