How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
