Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
