just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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