those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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