there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
