I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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