thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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