connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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