I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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