She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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