if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
