Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
