i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
