I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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