yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize