I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Found your dick twin last night
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Cover your peen. We're going out.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
