thus making me awesome and them whores
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
