I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
