I could make wine with my vomit
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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