If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
