Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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