im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
