Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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