so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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