Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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